Loving big takes courage.

I was reading a book today and came across this line.... loving big takes courage.  It impacted me greatly because I know it's true.

Yesterday, I had to run an early errand with the kids with me.  We had an hour or so to kill after it until we had to be at a speech appointment.  I promised them McDonalds if they behaved themselves at the first errand.  They did great and cheered as we pulled in under the golden arches. I'm usually motivated to happiness by their cheerful moods.  I was smiling as I unbuckled car seats and lined up kids on the sidewalk. Then I got this deju vu feeling.  As we filed into the building and they ran off towards the play place, I knew exactly where it was coming from. We rarely go to this McD's because it's on the other side of town, but was close to our earlier errand.  This is the same location where our oldest two children had their parent visitations during our first few months of fostering them.

It's the very first place I laid my eyes on my babies. It's also the place where I experienced some of my most vulnerable moments of my life.  Watching them with their birth family.  Seeing the pain they felt when no one showed up or when they had to say goodbye.  Trying to make sense of the fears of  the future and budding love for these little souls that I was feeling.  I was scared of this unfamiliar world of fostering, inexperienced at this parenting gig and felt unsure if I was the right person for this gig.

It was hard.  Everything about this was making my brain scream, "This is too hard.  Run for comfort." I knew that was my just the scared part of me.  Deep down I had already made this decision.  We were in this. No matter what came. We were parents to whoever and however long God gave us with them.

Nothing about the first few months was easy.  Four years later, there are moments that still aren't easy.  Not with just our adopted children, but our biological children as well.  Parenting. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It took all the courage I could muster.  I'm not sure I've ever relied on the Lord's strength so much. Hard things bring out the courage that you thought was impossible.

The other side of "loving big takes courage"  is that it breeds more love.  I've never been given so much of myself and then gain soo much in return.  So what is God calling you to love big? I dare you to do it!

1 year from FOREVER

I cannot believe it's already been a year since we adopted our babies. 

I feel like it's a special gift that our adoption date was during National Adoption Month (November).  I hope we and our children always raise awareness how God blessed our family through adoption.  

It's funny.  It took what seemed like forever for them to be officially ours.  We had them for 2 1/2 years before I could call them mine with assurance.  I will never forget his round little toddler face with mischievous grin.  Or her dark, serious eyes and how tiny she was.  

or how proud he was with any job we gave him

or how happy she was with our attention and praises focused on her

he was just a little boy who wanted to be loved

she was just a baby that wanted someone to take care of her....

You couldn't tie me up and keep me away from these two after the first day I met them.

I was in love.

And no matter how many people tried to protect me and convince me, I knew the truth.

They were mine. 

Happy ADOPTION day, Leland and Evy.

I'm so grateful to the Lord for you both and how He brought you into our family.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

John 14:18

3 years....oh my!

It's crazy to think that 3 years ago I became a mother.  It wasn't how I expected. My water didn't break in the middle of the night. I didn't need to call my doctor. No one rushed me away to the hospital. My husband wasn't even actually with me.  No, I didn't spend hours in labor or have a swaddled newborn thrust into my arms after birthing them.  My motherhood experience started at McDonalds.  Seeming perfect, right?!?!?  Ha!

I remember the days after getting the call.  Planning, making sure I had a few clothes in their right sizes and mostly praying.  As most new mothers, I was very anxious.  Unsure what to expect. I prayed. A lot! Asking God to help me...unsure of this task in front of me, but wanting it with every fiber of my being.  What if they hated me?  Cried when I took them home? But at last, I was there. Parking my car and looking through the playplace windows.

I saw what seemed to be a whiz of a boy (sort of think Flash from The Incredibles) whirling around the room.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even get a great look at his face until I gazed at it through the rear view mirror on the way home as he was finally strapped still.  : )  But I do remember as he ran past me giggling thinking, I never heard a sound so sweet before.  I can also squeeze my eyes real hard and picture her tiny face.  The big brown eyes gazing at me, her puffy little cheeks and the sweetest little fountain of hair held by a small bow on top of her head.  I remember picking her up for the first time....so confused about what laid ahead, but knowing our lives would never be the same.

It's hard to remember those first days and I will not lie.  Unlike, the hazy yet quiet sweetness of bringing home a newborn, our beginning was tough.  Adoption is a beautiful gift born out of a tragic loss.  We do live in a broken world, scared by sin.  Adoption shows those scars, but just like the world Christ comes in with rays of hope.  Good things, joyful hearts and bonds that only He can forge are the other side of those scars.

Isaiah 61:3 says...

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

I like to think that is the story of us.  My ashes of my sick heart because of hope deferred...their ashes of a childhood torn apart was made into a beautiful headdress that is now the Thompson family.  I will never forget the pain in waiting for children, or the struggles of our adoption because to me it only increases the delight and glory of the power of our God.  He took a sad, childless woman and two children without a home to make them whole as a family.  That is the beauty of adoption...taking something broken and making it whole. That is what He did for me through salvation.  I was broken, sinful and stained by this world around me.  But PRAISE to HIM for not leaving me alone.  Instead, through the sacrifice of His son, He adopted me. Made me His child.  Made me whole. A sweet  friend got me this necklace and it says it best in why we wanted to adopt...

we love because He first loved us.

1 John 4: 19

So happy "Gotcha Day" (back on July 18th) to our first and second born children.

July 2010

June 2013

this love is the deep kind

 I can't believe it. Here I am, sitting on the other side of the wait. I waited for children for a couple years before. Then God led us to foster/adopt and we were blessed with two gorgeous children. I waited for 2 1/2 years for them to be ours. It was such a hard and long road.  Adoption is beautiful, but it's painful too.  I think Russell Moore was the one who said that "you have to remember that adoption always comes from loss."  Though the road was a hard one, I'd never go back to change it.  I'll be honest that there were moments during the frustrating behavior issues, massive bureaucratic red tape and the moments of emotional toll of loving children who have lost so much that I wanted to give up. I'm so glad I didn't. 

 This picture was taken on my first Mothers Day. 

I can't tell you the pride and joy I felt the entire day. 

This was worth the wait.

Because the nature of adopting through the foster system, we weren't allowed to publicly share pictures for the first 2 1/2 years.  I wanted to go back and share some of the beginning of us on this journey. 

We got the kids for trial overnight before actually accepting the placement. I knew that no matter what, these kids were meant to be with us for whatever time God allowed us to have them. I took off work that day to go pick them up at McD's from their previous foster mother. I spent the day with them and was just loving life. Scott got home just in time for me to leave to a training that I just couldn't miss at work.  My sister came to help him and she snapped these pictures of their first night with us. 

 This has to be my favorite picture. It so accurately describes our lives for those first few months.

Exhausted.

(apparently, in this picture...our sweet girl would not go to sleep and fought hard)

I cannot believe my baby was this little once. I still grieve the time I missed with him as a baby and most of his toddler years. He came to us at 3 1/2 and I often wonder what he looked like as a babe.

I try to not dwell on this, but think of all the days and moments we've had. And then all the ones ahead of us.

I'm pretty much in love with Mandi Mapes and several of her songs.  I just can't help but tear up every time I hear this one. People ask me often sense the birth of our third child, is it different. They want to know if I feel the same for all three of my children. The answer is no. I love and  connect with each of them in different ways. Honestly, I worried how I would feel while I was    pregnant. But once she came, I knew that they all share a piece of my heart.  

The biggest way to understand the love of an adoptive parent is to look at God. He loved us and choose us to be apart of His family. We were dirty, troubled and alone. Because of His great      love for us and the work accomplished by His Son at the cross, we were rescued. We are          co-heirs with Christ...adopted. 

Knowing this is what confirmed my calling long through the messy roles to figure out, the fearful nights of waiting and through my most trying moments as a mother. He did not leave me. EVER. I was HIS.  and just like that...They were MINE.

Below is a gruesome amount of pictures of babes that I've never been able to share. Enjoy and  really read the lyrics. They describe so much of the beauty of adoption.

I’ve never felt this way before
funny how you found you’re way to my door

and suddenly my prayers are coming true

and these arms are not letting go of you

this love this love is the deep kind 

you’re my baby, you’re my sunshine
and I’ll love you all of the time
I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fan

our eyes are not quite the same shade

and your hair blows in the wind a different way 

but I am your mother and 
I love you just the same 
so I’ll take your hand honey 

and you can take my name

my heart has been redeemed,adopted 

and now I know my Father

this grace that I’ve received 
I want to show you
I want to show you

this love this love is the deep kind

it hangs on through the storm and the sunshine

I’ll hold your hand, be your biggest fanand I’ll love you all of the time

© 2010 Mandi Mapes

 this love is the deep kind

ADOPTED....

It's been over a week since my children are actually my children.

I keep waiting to feel something different.

Not sure what.

I guess that goes to show they were ours from the beginning.

but here is a picture of the day they became ours officially.