Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Rainy Tuesday

It's just a random, rainy Tuesday.  No real big agenda or events on the docket.  My girls are downstairs watching some cartoons and snacking as I try to pound out some photo editing.  Even as I try I cannot contain my thoughts.  My brain itching with provoking details of the last few days and my heart seeping with emotions that will not turn off.  So I come here... well, after I went to Him.  He most always gets my first drafts...my bare heart.  But then I turn here to share whatever urgent thoughts occupy my life.  They like a child waiting in line for something they are most excited for.  They can't help but to nudge forward, push past others and jumping in their pants for their turn.  So here I am.  Wishing yesterday was different, but glad it wasn't.

You see I had a little scare over the weekend regarding our newest little that is growing deep with in my womb.  It flooded most of my every moment with anxiousness and fear as I waited.  It's a frightful thing to wait for something bad.  My nurse had reassured me on the phone Saturday, but gave me warning signs. It's amazing how in tuned with your body you can be when you are waiting for it to do something.  Every bump and twinge makes your heart sink.  Sunday singing at church was most emotional as I was proclaiming Christ's power, my burden was slowly lightening to Him who carries us. When I experienced one more symptom yesterday morning, I called again.  They asked me to come in to make sure everything was ok.  My stomach was in knots and the fear of the unknown was fresh. I was trying to prepare myself for whatever the appointment held.  Because it was short notice, I went alone. Which I think was best.  I'm always more worried and emotional with others who are feeling the same things. My doctor checked me first and calmed most of my fears assuring me that I had an infection that was causing my symptoms.  I tried to relax. To let my guard down.  My hearts had walls ten feet tall between me and this little blessing.  They crumbled away with ease as I saw a little bean, healthy and alive. Release.  That is what I did. I released the pent up tension from the entire weekend with a long deep breath exhaled. I thanked God for this blessing.  I know how different this very moment could have been.  I have had friends and family members experience a very different outcome.  My heart breaks for them.  For the loss. It's so real.  It's just as real as the loss experienced yesterday in Boston.

As I was rejoicing to the sound of a sweet heartbeat, not even an hour later lives were forever changed. The booming sounds and screams will forever live in my brain after watching the news.  Lives lost, bodies wounded and souls left trying to sort out the aftermath of a sinful world.  A world that doesn't make sense and comfort that cannot come from by easy Sunday School answers.  It's raw. It's real.

It's just as real as my sister's amazing f-i-l whose body has been devastated by another attack.  Cancer. I really hate that word.  This weekend they were told that his cancer is very progressed and it's terminal. My heart ached as I knew they were suffering.  Trying to make sense and work through their emotions of what this will look like.  I do know this man loves Jesus and has no fears about what his eternity will look like.  

I guess that's it. Isn't it.  How we live, struggle through fears, handle trials and even face death is all the same way.  We either hide from it (though that cannot last forever) or face it.  I'm thankful that I'm not alone.  I will not walk this world by myself or face tough decisions without help. When I'm surrounded by devastation and there seem to be no answers...there is one who I can turn to.  Just as I sang through tears Sunday morning with an anxious heart, these lyrics are always true....

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

No matter the circumstance. In joy, fear or even death. I can say with certainty that Jesus commands my destiny and I'm safe in His hands.

Praying for those who've lost their sweet babies.
Praying for Boston.
Praying for my sister's family and all those hurt by Cancer.


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