Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Loving big takes courage.

I was reading a book today and came across this line.... loving big takes courage.  It impacted me greatly because I know it's true.

Yesterday, I had to run an early errand with the kids with me.  We had an hour or so to kill after it until we had to be at a speech appointment.  I promised them McDonalds if they behaved themselves at the first errand.  They did great and cheered as we pulled in under the golden arches. I'm usually motivated to happiness by their cheerful moods.  I was smiling as I unbuckled car seats and lined up kids on the sidewalk. Then I got this deju vu feeling.  As we filed into the building and they ran off towards the play place, I knew exactly where it was coming from. We rarely go to this McD's because it's on the other side of town, but was close to our earlier errand.  This is the same location where our oldest two children had their parent visitations during our first few months of fostering them.

It's the very first place I laid my eyes on my babies. It's also the place where I experienced some of my most vulnerable moments of my life.  Watching them with their birth family.  Seeing the pain they felt when no one showed up or when they had to say goodbye.  Trying to make sense of the fears of  the future and budding love for these little souls that I was feeling.  I was scared of this unfamiliar world of fostering, inexperienced at this parenting gig and felt unsure if I was the right person for this gig.

It was hard.  Everything about this was making my brain scream, "This is too hard.  Run for comfort." I knew that was my just the scared part of me.  Deep down I had already made this decision.  We were in this. No matter what came. We were parents to whoever and however long God gave us with them.

Nothing about the first few months was easy.  Four years later, there are moments that still aren't easy.  Not with just our adopted children, but our biological children as well.  Parenting. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It took all the courage I could muster.  I'm not sure I've ever relied on the Lord's strength so much. Hard things bring out the courage that you thought was impossible.

The other side of "loving big takes courage"  is that it breeds more love.  I've never been given so much of myself and then gain soo much in return.  So what is God calling you to love big? I dare you to do it!


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