Thursday, February 21, 2013

In case I forget...


It's the eve of your first birthday.  Even as I write those words, I simply cannot believe it to be true.  What can I say my babe, this year has truly flown.  It's like waiting for Christmas to come and so quickly it's over.  Not that you are over, but I know how quickly your childhood will be.  I wanted you so badly.  I longed over wanting a child and praying for God to start our family.  He did that with your brother and sister just a year and a half before you came.  I'm so grateful for them and the gift our Lord has given us through adoption.  Their way of entering our family is just as sweet as yours.  They fulfilled my desire to be a mother and you were like the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. I remember asking the Lord even after we had our two children for me to become pregnant.  I so wanted to feel what that was like.  To know the beauty of Him creating life right inside of me.  To feel you kick and move.  To experience birth and the miracle that is life.  I wanted to know what it was like when my first two came into this world.  You gave me that and so much more.  I remember feeling unsure about being a mother to three.  My baby was just two. How would she handle it?  Could I deal with the pressures of meeting three little humans needs.  And then of course, my biggest fear was would I feel differently about them after you came.  And I did.  Just not in the way I feared.  I think you completed so much of what I didn't know about motherhood.  The fears of maybe I'm not truly loving them as a mother should?  Maybe they do not have my heart as if they came from my womb.  I was so wrong. You gave me a chance to see that motherhood isn't just blood. It's about seeing a sweet, helpless babe and knowing that I can love him/her into what God has for him/her.  So thank you for making my dreams come true and for assuring me that my motherly affection is not based on DNA.  All those months we watched you be woven in my womb and see you stretch my abdomen. I remember the shock when my doctor had me wheeled to the hospital from her office at my 37 week appointment because of suddenly high blood pressure.  We thought we'd never make it through the day and night of waiting for you to make your appearance. I cringe at the memory of them starting my c-section because I was so afraid.  And then everything stopped. Every moment of that long sickly pregnancy was worth it. All the prayers for me to bare a child had been answered.  Our families third born came into fruition. I saw you. Pink. Loud. Breathtaking. You were so tiny and I'll never forget how your little frame rested on my chest when I first held you.  Or the way you had your Daddy completely spellbound.  I was worried for nothing about how your siblings would welcome your arrival.  They were totally, head over heels in love.  I love to see how you've changed our family dynamic and added so much joy to our home.  Though these 12 months have flown by, it seems you've always been here. We are thankful to the Lord for your sweet, easy going spirit.  You crack us up daily with your scrunchy nose smiles and new sound effects.  Observing others is definitely your favorite past time and of course following after our new pet bunny across the living room floor.  I'm sure there is no greater gift of my motherhood, than to see all three of you playing or laughing together.  Every dream and prayer...God has given me sevenfold with you three. My heart cannot contain the bittersweet joy it is to usher you into this next chapter of life.  To see you grow into more of who God intends for you to be.  Tonight as I put you to bed, I swayed gently beside your crib with your head laying on my chest. I sang you a few songs and breathed in your baby smell.  I know this is fleeting and please know that I am anxious to see you grow.  But just for tonight, I want to keep you as my baby.  Tomorrow, dear, tomorrow you can be one.

Love always, Mama


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