Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Two Letters.

Whoa...I started this post on Sunday (Mother's Day) and here I am finishing it on Wednesday. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I'm soo tired!  So here it is...finally!

Today I wrote two letters. This is the first...

Moma, I'm not sure how to do justice to all that you have given, but I want to try. First off, thank you for wanting me.  I know you tried for ten years after Pat to have another baby.  I only tried for three and I can still feel the longing that came with wanting a child. For thirty-one years you have not once made me feel unwanted. I know that most of my confidence has come from knowing that you are on my side.  No matter how I failed or how ugly I acted, you made me feel loved. There have definitely been moments that I've been unlovable and I'm so thankful that you looked past them.  It's nice having a person in my life that is always there to cheer me on and hang out with me.  I can think of a few of these times. The first one that popped into my head was when I went to Bowling Green at the end of my Senior year of high school to try out for Western's cheer team. We had clinic to learn a few things and then stayed the night before tryouts the next day.  I remember us sitting on our hotel beds talking and trying not to think of the nerve wracking morning I was about to have.  You went to take a shower and I found a card from you and Daddy on the night stand. I still have that card today because of the impact it made in my heart. Basically, it said you believed I could do anything I wanted.  And I know you really meant it. Another moment that pops up is all our shopping Spring Break trips with Nanny as we were growing up.  It was nice to be with only the girls and I remember how special those trips made Johnah and I feel.  You enjoyed being with us and doing girly things.  You still do  : )

Besides always making me feel wanted, you also sacrifice everything for us. This is often something mothers don't really understand until they actually have their babies.  I know at the end of the day the exhaustion that I feel is a good feeling...because I know I completely poured myself out to my children.  You taught me this.  From fixing us cinnamon toast for us every Saturday morning, staying up late working on school projects and enduring all those long prom dress shopping gave up so much.  I know you gave so much of your time supporting our dreams and hobbies...attending FHA banquets, traveling here/there to ballgames, and helping us do whatever it took to succeed. I think of all the miles our little minivans took Pat's ball tournaments in Florida, to my tennis matches, softball games and even flying with us to Florida for our Cheerleading Competition.  And then there are the things I never really saw... washing the mounds of laundry, budgeting your hard earned money so we could have those new pair of jeans we wanted or those nights you most likely stayed up worrying about us. You endured the horrible girl fights of middle school, the rebelliousness of college and now learning to divide your time/energy between your eight grandchildren. You are a GIVER and I'm so thankful to be on the receiving end of it all.  I know I never would have survived growing up and definitely couldn't make it through these early years of motherhood without your service.

Lastly, I can't help but thank you for doing the best thing you could ever have done for me....pointing me to Jesus.  I'm so thankful that I can honestly say there isn't a moment of life that I didn't know the name of Jesus.  That is because of you and Daddy.  I remember all the bible stories, life lessons and scripture you poured over us growing up.  I also remember crawling into your room as everyone napped one Sunday afternoon telling you I wanted to give my life to Jesus.  That moment, the weeks following and later when I professed my faith and then was baptized has guided the rest of my life.  I know there have been moments you've worried and wondered about me, my choices and if it would all be ok.  But you have to know that when I was going down destructive paths, everytime I struggled through the years of singleness and even now when I'm up with sick babies...I feel your prayers. I'm not exactly the women I want to be, but what good I am is because God gave me you to model after.  He knew I needed a mother who got up early to spend time with Him, who I would see really live out trusting Him and a women that didn't want to stay the same.  One thing I've always admired about you is you always strive to grow in your relationship with God.  You always keep up the race....abiding in Him, reading His Word and serving Him in soo many ways.  THANK YOU!  Thank you for your prayers, not giving up on me, your time and mostly for your love. I can only pray to be such a mother.  You really are worth more than rubies.

I love you, Sarah Elizabeth

The other letter is just as important, but to the mother of two of my children.

To my children's mother,
This may seem strange, but for the last two mother's day celebrations all I can think about is you.  You are the reason I became a mother in the first place.  The giver of my blessings, my occupation and my life.  Obviously, God actually is the giver, but He used you.  For me that is such a joy and reward, but I know it has a very different emotion to you. I'm sorry you can't be with them on this day and hold them close.

I want to thank you.  Becoming a mother as young as you did is a very brave thing.  You could have decided not give birth to our firstborn son.  It most likely would have been the easier thing to do, but I'm eternally grateful that you chose life for him.  He is the laughter around our home and is such a joy for anyone he is around.  The same goes for our daughter.  She is such a light and gives much character to my family.  The world is blessed by them and you gave them life.  Thank you.  I cannot imagine what being a single mother is like.  The sheer energy you must have given to them makes me tired.  I'm sorry you had to take care of them alone most of the time.  Thank you for preserving their precious little lives for the 3 years of our sons and the 11 months of our daughters before they came home to me.

I want you to know that I understand my gain is a tragic loss to you.  I will not let them forget that you are their mother too. We often talk about how God grew them in your tummy.  I see you in our daughter's eyes.  They are just like yours *except for the color, but more in the way they shine.  I'm pretty sure they carry soo much of you in their selves.

I wonder what you are doing or thinking on this Mother's Day?  I pray for you often and hope for the best in your future.  One where you get the education you said you wanted, where you fall in love with a good man and have more babies down the line when you are ready.  But most of all, I pray you discover the only real difference between you and I.  Grace. The work of Jesus Christ in my life.  Because I know that will be the best future of all.

The day you asked if we'd adopt them and take care of them was the best day of my life.  I knew I could tell our children one day that you had chosen for them to be with us because you said you thought it would be better for them.  I'm glad I don't have to tell them you hated us or that you didn't want them to live in our family.  What a gift for them to know you had their best in mind when you made that incredibly hard decision. I wish there was some way to repay you for the gift you have given me.  The only thing I can give you in return is the promise that I love them completely and do my best each day to care for them. Happy Mother's Day!
~ Sarah

I'm so thankful for motherhood and that God has given me the chance to be on this journey. I pray often for those whose arms are longing for children to hold.  I understand the verse that hope deferred makes the heart sick. I remember those sick moments before I was even I dreamed of a full and busy family.  You are not alone and your God loves you completely.  I know there isn't many words to comfort you, but I'd wrap my arms around each and everyone of you.  I trust that God has good for your future.  And though adoption isn't easy or for everyone, I beg you to pray about fostering/adopting a child.  I'm so very thankful that is the way God chose to make me a mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all you boo boo fixers, keeper of the peace and defenders of souls!


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