Friday, March 23, 2012

Those few moments...

Started this post yesterday, but didn't finish it until now....

There are those few moments when you are leaving a place for a new chapter that the world stands still. I can remember several from my life. Most impacting were hearing my Daddy yelling at me to hurry up as I quickly looked around my room to see if I forgot to pack anything. I was leaving for college and all I could think was how uncertain I was. There I was freshly 18 and heading to a new world all by myself. My eyes scanned my daybed that I'd slept in since I was 12, my bulletin board that held prom/homecoming pictures and all the other mementos of my life up until this point. I had such a confident childhood and was loved/supported in everything I did. Now I was going to a place with no one cheering me on and a whole of life that was yet unknown.

Then there was when I had just shoved the last box into my beat up pathfinder and ran back in to say goodbye to my college roommates. The rooms that had been filled with so much laughter, groups of friends and lots of dirty laundry : ) was now completely empty. It's so funny how something that had become home was now just stained carpet and blank walls. We sat there on the floor where our dining room table used to sit. The place where we worked on homework, played card games and shared meals with our friends. This home had represented a season of life where I learned who I really was and discovered what life was all about. And now it was finished. We sat there, no one wanting to be the first to leave. Sure we all had plans, things we were headed to do. But everything after getting in our cars driving away from this place seemed so uncertain.

Another time that seems more recent, but was actually four years ago in the next months was moving from my rental into the home I was going to share with my husband. I was to be married at the end of the summer, but we'd already bought our home. So we thought we'd save some money if Scott stayed at home and I moved into our new house so I stopped paying rent at the other place. I had made a few trips, but packed up the last of the stuff myself. I remember my pale peachy pink walls that I painted knowing that one day when I was married I wouldn't be able to decorate soo girly. I took down my white shears off the windows and stacked my last pile of shows in a bag. I remember thinking of how I felt like such an adult after renting this place with my friend. I had a full time job, was living in my hometown and coaching my old high school's cheerleading squad. I was living with one of my best friends and we had such a great setup sharing this roomy house. This was more late night girls talks, having fun parties with our shower food or always having someone to give fashion advice. I loved living with girls and had no clue what it was going to be like sharing a space with a boy. Though I was extremely anxious, I know I felt a sense of uncertainty as I looked around before leaving that empty room.

As you can see, all the uncertainty was for nothing. God has watched over me and gone before me in every season of my life. But I think those few moments where everything slows down and you take in all that has been, before moving on is very important. It's good to respect where you have come from and have a healthy fear of what is to come. As long as we trust in the Lord, we can know we won't go alone wherever it is we are going.

Well, I experience another one of these moments....I recognized it right away. I purposely, stopped packing the last of my things and took it in. Scott had taken the kids and most our things to the car. A nurse was getting a wheelchair to take me and my four day old infant to meet them in just a few minutes. It had been a chaotic morning because I honestly didn't think my doctor was going to let me go home due to high blood pressure. So after jumping for joy when she said I was, I quickly started packing up the massive amounts of belongings we had collected the five days we'd been in the hospital. The kids had came, we all ate lunch and several staff had came in to do the releasing. The kids were tired and EVERYWHERE. So after they were gone and it was quiet, it seemed odd. I looked around and couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe I had given birth to our baby girl, or that I had survived all the crazy moments of the last few days and most importantly, that I was leaving to take her home. Really, wasn't she too tiny? I didn't really have breatfeeding down yet? What would we do with her during the night without the wonderful nurses help? There was so much uncertainty clouding my mind as I held my newborn close while the nurse backed my wheelchair out of our mother/baby room.
Just as before, God has been with us. It hasn't been easy. We've never done the newborn thing. Yes at times it's been super nutty having THREE. We've had sleepless nights (though not many...she is such a great baby). I've shed a few tears. Scott has come home from school to find me passed out with baby on my chest and my older two watching their fifth episode of Curious George. But we are making it. I know I wouldn't have made it though this first month without the Lord's help (plus my awesome husband and wonderful family/friends support).

Now I just want to freeze time....I'm not ready for a new season. I think I have a little while though! : )


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